


the thing about hunger (is that it goes away)

by strawberryjunhee



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-23 22:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13797672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryjunhee/pseuds/strawberryjunhee
Summary: junhee knows it's stupid. the human body needs food in order to function, to survive. but another side of his brain, a louder one, is doing a good job at making him believe that he doesn't deserve food. just like how he doesn't deserve his best friend donghun. or sehyoon. especially sehyoon.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another angsty fic because I project on to my fanfictions, sorry.

junhee remembers meeting donghun quite well. junhee had fallen asleep in the library, having to write an essay that was due in two days. donghun was helping the librarian put back books. the older spotted him and once he stopped laughing, helped junhee to finish the essay and go back to his dorm. 

their relationship was purely platonic. junhee liked physical contact and donghun was always reluctant, but after a minute of junhee's puppy eyes he normally caved in. they both knew it wasn't romantic it was just...junhee.

donghun could get annoyed with him though. due to the excessive talking. but, junhee liked talking. talking was a distraction to whatever hell was going on in his mind. it distracted him from hunger. to not eat. that was the best part.

sehyoon was introduced to their small friend group 3 weeks later. junhee knew him from his dance class (the one he had managed to get donghun to join 2 weeks after sehyoon joined). 

donghun and sehyoon had a natural rhythm towards each other. sehyoon wasn't quiet but he didn't talk as much as junhee. he actually told decent jokes. he got along with junhee too though. junhee always managed to encourage everyone, a natural born leader. sehyoon talked to junhee about his fears. and junhee gladly told him his best advice. 

then one day, while they were out for lunch. well, donghun and sehyoon were eating. junhee insisted that he had a big breakfast despite not having eaten in 2 days and 7 hours and 20 minutes. junhee stared at sehyoon and tried to blink away the butterflies in his chest. he knew that the older was handsome, no doubt about it. everyone knew it, how could you not? 

but, this was different.

junhee remained remotely quiet for the rest of the day. to think about what the hell happened and to not blurt out something he could regret. donghun confronted him about it later that night over the phone. "hun, i think i like sehyoon."

donghun was quiet for a bit and then spent the rest of the night talking to him about it. junhee was grateful beyond belief, he even offered to buy donghun lunch. which, for a broke college student, wasn't the best idea. because all though junhee was good at giving advice, donghun was excellent. it made junhee confused sometimes, why sehyoon came to him instead of donghun. "jun, you have to tell him."

and after 2 weeks, junhee did. he waited to see if it was actually love. which sounded stupid, but with someone as handsome as sehyoon, it could have easily just been lust. but no, junhee was sure. 

sehyoon stared at him for a minute and just sighed. "have you finally noticed?" 

junhee blinked. "jun, i love you with all of my heart but you are an airhead sometimes." apparently, sehyoon had grown fond of junhee awhile back. and donghun was well aware of that. junhee never felt the urge to murder someone more. 

a day after the confusing confession, sehyoon took him out for lunch. junhee stared at the food. he ate a bit. it was a salad with grilled chicken. maybe 431 calories in total. junhee ate 7 bites before quickly hiding the rest of the food in napkins. he talked a lot as well. sehyoon didn't really notice, good. 

"jun, have you lost weight?" sehyoon asked.

junhee swallowed hard. please don't ask. please don't ask. "just a few pounds, why?" more like 23 pounds. 

"you look good," sehyoon smiled. junhee could have dropped dead right there and be totally happy.

junhee didn't eat anything for the rest of the day.

I.

after junhee graduated, he started working in the dance studio with sehyoon. it was fun. all of the kids, teenagers and even some adults loved him. junhee kept a bright smile and tried to keep his crappy jokes at bay. donghun worked as a vocal coach in the studio next door. 

sehyoon suggested they move in together. sehyoon's apartment was small but close to the studio. sehyoon also had a bunch of ramen cups, sweets, and chips in his cabinets. junhee avoided all of them.

they all went out for dinner after work. since their shifts usually ended at the same time. it wasn't like junhee could deny the food. sehyoon was with him for the entire day most days. so junhee ate a few bites and ignored creeping nausea. sehyoon rolling his eyes and donghun giving him a playful glare when he told a joke was enough to drown out the guilt he was feeling for eating. 

(he ends up doing push-ups for an hour after sehyoon fell asleep. mostly because he swears he could feel the calories settling into his stomach and his stomach was starting to protrude and he can't  _breathe-_ )

dancing was a great form of exercise. he noticed after having doing it daily for a month straight, his weight dropped even more. instead of the terrible 101 pounds he was before, he dropped down to 92. the eating must have made him gain something.

donghun invited him over to his place. sehyoon was out with friends all day so junhee gladly accepted the invite. it took awhile for him to find clothes. everything was too big on him. and despite the warm temperature outside, the second he stepped out his skin felt like ice. so, junhee ran back into the apartment and put on one of sehyoon's sweaters. it was probably 4 sizes too big for him. 

which was great.

because that means he is getting smaller. and the smaller the is the less money they have to waste to feed him. the less space he takes up. the less of a burden he is. he would just be less. and that was good.

"is sehyoon starving you or something?" donghun muttered. "you are getting smaller every time i see you and that sweater isn't helping."

"nope, perfectly fine," junhee replied. he hadn't eaten breakfast. "you should try losing some weight hyung, your stomach is starting to show."

donghun flicked his forehead. "respect your elders," junhee smiled at him. "that's muscle for your information anyways."

"sure it is."

donghun suggested that he makes lunch or something. "i had a big breakfast, sehyoon decided to stop starving me for a bit." donghun gave him a look, a way to knowing look. "promise, i would have no reason to lie to you about something like that".

the breakfast ended up being eggs, bacon, and fruit. and it looked good. and junhee would do anything to eat it. but he just drank the water donghun gave him and hoped his stomach wouldn't growl. 

"how is the singing lessons going?" junhee asked. his fingers were tapping against his right thigh. the thighs that were way too big. with sehyoon, it was different, they looked great, with junhee he could barely fit through a door without walking sideways. 

"so-so," donghun took a bite of some egg. "the thing is, all of the kids can sing but only a few of them have a naturally gifted voice. i want to help the kids who don't but i swear jun, it's like nails.." junhee tried to pay attention, he really did. but he was exhausted beyond belief all of a sudden. and freezing. he just wanted a hug. with all of the layers of clothing that he was wearing, no one should be able to feel the ribs.

"....and then he spilled apple- jun? hey, you okay?" donghun was always so comforting. he would make a great father. strong, handsome. not fat. not like junhee. 

junhee remembers his sisters teasing him about donghun. asking him if the elder was his boyfriend. he laughed and said no. he never felt that way towards donghun. he should call his sisters today. maybe not though, they are probably busy. and junhee doesn't need to be any more of a burden. 

"sorry, zoned out," junhee said. he bit his lip, this request was so childish and he shouldn't be asking for a fucking hug. how selfish, why would donghun want to hug him?

"do you want a hug?" donghun's voice broke through his thoughts and junhee nodded before he could stop.

donghun was so warm. and he swore he could hear donghun heaving a shaky sigh in the middle of the hug.

II.

junhee keeps on a loose shirt every time he and sehyoon have sex. always looks down at the floor when he asks for the lights to be turned off. sehyoon just kisses his cheek and says "sure jun". it's mostly because now you can see his bones better than ever now. 

it wasn't like junhee never ate. he did eat. he ate on the days where he got the choreography right. on the days where no one bumped into him. he never ate a full meal. he hasn't had a full meal since he was 14. junhee could never pin the day this all started. all he knew was one day his father asked him about why he ate less than his sisters. junhee smiled and said he made up for it at lunch. then his mother commented on how skinny he looked. junhee gave her a hug and said he would gain some weight. next, his sisters walked into his room and said he was a smaller size than them. junhee laughed and said that was stupid and not true. donghun asked if he was eating properly when he had denied lunch and dinner on the same day. junhee explained that he had an upset stomach. and then sehyoon said that he loved him and that the older wouldn't care if he gained 100 pounds. junhee rolled his eyes and kissed him to shut sehyoon up. 

he was sick. he was well aware of it. he didn't want anyone else to be. 

and besides, the hunger always goes away. 

the jabs of pain and the burning in his stomach hurts like hell but junhee knew in a minute or so it would go away with a weak growl. and then junhee would be comforted by the fact that his body was burning away the unnecessary fat on his body. the hunger was never the problem. maybe at the beginning but after awhile, junhee grew used to it. 

sehyoon was going on a trip. junhee didn't mind. sehyoon spent more than enough time with him. the movie nights where junhee pretends to not hear sehyoon asking him if he wants to have popcorn. the mornings where sehyoon asks him why he is so cold and junhee just mumbles a sleepy "i love you." the trip was for 2 weeks. donghun was busy as well. the private vocal lessons building up. 

so junhee spent the 2 weeks making himself useful. cleaning the apartment up. he took out all of the old food from the refrigerator. and ran on the treadmill and practiced the new choreography until his body felt like it was going to give out. he didn't eat. of course, he didn't. he wondered how he didn't pass out someday. and then the answer was given. he had more than enough fat to last 2 weeks without eating. 

he stood on the scale only to see a lazy blinking 78. junhee felt like screaming. because it wasn't enough. 

_there was a part of him that knew it was never going to be enough. that he will just want to get tinier and tinier until he collapses in on himself and becomes a black hole_

so when his vision started to fade and become fuzzy around the edges, he wasn't surprised. he especially wasn't surprised when he collapsed onto the cold floor.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehyoon plans on surprising jun by coming home early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I plan on writing a second chapter for this? Nope.  
> Enjoy anyways.

sehyoon had his phone turned off up until he entered his car in the airport parking lot. the first thing he saw was a small text message from junhee.

_juni:_

**_love you! have a safe flight and don't accidentally sit in someone's spot_ **

that was sent at 3:09 P.M, the time sehyoon was actually supposed to come home. he caught a later flight though, almost kind of desperate to see junhee again. junhee was about as lovesick as one could get but sehyoon came close. 

a feeling of calmness settled in his mind before his phone started buzzing like a fucking madman. at least 89 missed texts from donghun and 21 missed calls. before sehyoon could even think about reading one of the texts, his phone buzzed again. the caller id being his  ~~overbearing~~ lovely hyung.

"donghun, what's-"

"junhee is in the hospital," sehyoon's brain took a bit to long to process the words. he heard the edge to donghun's voice. donghun always looked like he was on the verge of tears on a daily but sehyoon has only seen his hyung cry 3 times in the many years that he has known donghun. "you have-just hurry, he is in room 3221." and with that, leaving sehyoon completely clueless, donghun hung up.

sehyoon stared at his phone before finally snapping out of whatever haze he got placed into. junhee, the awkward and timid boy he fell in love with, was in the hospital. the one who leaped out of his chair when donghun showed him a jumpscare video, was probably connected to dozens of machines. and must be fucking  _terrified_. sehyoon started the car and in 10 minutes he was there. 

a wave of relief went through sehyoon at the sight of donghun. 

"hyung, what happened?" sehyoon asked, slightly surprised at the tremor in his voice.  

"i should have said something sooner, god sehyoon i-i'm so sorry," donghun whimpered. sehyoon felt his throat go dry. a billion things were running through his brain before. maybe it was a freak accident or maybe junhee was being stupid and tripped over a cliff, but those words made his blood run cold. because what else did that mean? "junhee-he, i went to the apartment to hang out s-since we didn't for the whole two weeks a-and he wasn't responding."

sehyoon's brain was going to the worst possible situation. 

 "so i unlocked the door with the spare key and he wasn't anywhere," donghun's breathing was uneven. "the bathroom door was locked and he couldn't have been anywhere else so i broke it down and he was on the floor and-and-"

"i couldn't feel his pulse."

sehyoon couldn't breathe properly. the idea of even living without junhee had never entered his brain. that just wasn't something he thought would happen. he thought that they would both pass in their sleep at the ripe age of 88. it wasn't a very logical thing to believe but it was there. "what did the doctors say?".

"they said i-it was a close call but he is still alive, just unconscious,"' donghun muttered. 

"did they say what happened?" sehyoon asked, his entire body felt numb. his brain felt like it was filled with static. 

donghun shook his head. sehyoon sat down on the couch, his brain trying to wrap around the situation entirely. "you know when i invited him over a month or so ago, he kind of zoned out after a bit so i asked him if he wanted a hug since well, it's junhee, he always wants a hug," sehyoon almost laughed, that was true. junhee was a sucker for physical affection, and will whine without fail if he is deprived of it for a long time. "and i could feel his ribs through his sweater, how thin his hair had gotten, and i saw how brittle and frail his nails had gotten". 

junhee had always been skinny. sehyoon had never thought much of it until he noticed that the younger did have a tendency of skipping meals. but, it never occurred to him that it was intentional. or maybe he had been in denial because who wants to accept that? "i never thought it would get this bad,"

the doctor, dr. byun, had come out after 4 minutes of silence between the pair. "hello, are you lee donghun and kim sehyoon?". they both almost ran to the doctor.

"well, mr.park is stabilized, the reason for he had collapsed was due to dehydration, malnutrition and overexertion" malnutrition...god junhee, how long did you go without food? sehyoon was using a lot of energy to not break down sobbing. "he is severely underweight, i would recommend a monitorization of his meals and sessions with a therapist."

"is his family able to visit the hospital at this time or..?"

"no, they should be able to make it tomorrow," donghun replied. 

"can we go see him?" sehyoon wondered. 

the doctor looked them both over. "what is your relation to mr.park?"

"i'm his boyfriend," sehyoon explained, before gesturing to donghun, "he is his best friend."

the doctor went quiet for a second before nodding. 

seeing junhee in a hospital bed wasn't something sehyoon was mentally prepared for. he hadn't seen junhee in 2 weeks, and their reunion wasn't anything like how sehyoon expected. he expected. sehyoon thought he would enter the door, junhee would try to hit him with a baseball bat because he would mistake sehyoon for an intruder, and then junhee would realize who it was. then junhee would probably blush from embarrassment and hug him and then they would make out on the couch, simple. 

but junhee didn't look like junhee. he looked like a fucking  _skeleton_. sehyoon held back from vomiting. he needed to be strong, junhee would be mortified once he woke up.

_if he even does_

sehyoon ignored that small voice in his head. but it was getting louder because how did he not notice anything. junhee was good at hiding things sometimes but this was a massive thing to eat. he should have encouraged the younger to eat more at meals, to give him constant reassurance that he looked fine. sehyoon didn't understand it, he never truly would. he doesn't get how someone so caring, adorable and talented could deprive themselves of food. 

the freezing skin, the bony hands, and frail wrists were all that sehyoon would see. sehyoon allowed his fingers to rub junhee's hands, despite wanting to vomit every time they moved against a bone that was too prominent. donghun was quiet, sitting in another chair. 

the silence was comforting and sehyoon cringed every time junhee's heart monitor would beep. in a sense, he should be grateful that it's beating. but on the other hand, junhee shouldn't even be in a hospital. juni, his juni had gone through so much pain and sehyoon didn't even notice anything. what kind of boyfriend was he?

20 minutes of nothing. barely any movement besides the rising and falling of junhee's chest.

then junhee's eyes, the beautiful brown that sparkled seemed blank, opened.

sehyoon forced a smile.

"hey juni."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Take care of yourselves.


End file.
